I’m sure this isn’t the first time you’re hearing about boundaries. But there may be a lot more to them than you’ve heard.
There are plenty of varieties and nuances within the concept of boundaries. And if you are a living person who interacts with others (who isn’t?), you really need to know this.
First of all, a quickie refresher
A boundary is a metaphoric line that separates you and another person. It’s an indication of where they stop and you begin.
It’s a very helpful concept for those of you who may feel too susceptible to the influence of others, or for your self-definition, or for your emotional safety.
Boundaries can be:
absent
loose
flexible
rigid
permeable
We don’t want them absent, but we also don’t want them rigid.
The “Goldilocks,” just-right kind of boundary is permeable.
You want people to be able to have a sense of you as well as you being able to take in another person’s connection and care.
This is really important for a healthy relationship.
Varieties & Nuances of Boundaries when you need them
If you’re in a relationship with someone who is narcissistic, controlling, toxic, intrusive, manipulative, etc, it’s VERY important to have a solid boundary.
You should do everything you can to limit any harmful words, actions, or relational patterns by setting a very solid and non-negotiable boundary.
You can verbally say you won’t allow that behavior or you can physically leave the situation or the relationship.
BUT, with the kind of person we are talking about above, it’s really important to know they are highly unlikely to change their ways.
In fact, they may push harder. (Be prepared for that and get support for yourself!)
So your job, if you must still interact or have a relationship with this person, is to protect yourself emotionally.
This is where the internal and nuanced boundaries come in.
These are the boundaries you practice within yourself. With these internal and nuanced boundaries, you will need to:
Be aware of what gets triggered in you or pulled from you when you are with this kind of toxic person.
Talk with a trusted other if you need a “reality check” to make sure you aren’t being made to doubt yourself (because some toxic people can make you feel like you’re the crazy one -- Gaslighting anyone?)
Make a conscious statement to yourself that this is the other person’s “stuff” and not about you -- especially if you tend to second-guess yourself with their pressure.
Hold firm to what you know to be your goals and your truth, rather than letting the other person’s pressure cause you to “just give in.”
Sometimes a mantra will help you stay focused on your goal, such as, “I know and hold onto MY truth.”
Having to tolerate interactions with this kind of toxic person is, no doubt, very difficult!
Know that you need to take care of yourself to feel solid and strong in your goals and your self-awareness.
And keep following the guidelines above, even if it feels repetitive. They will help you hold on to you.
A final note:
You NEVER have to tolerate a verbally or physically abusive relationship. The best boundary in this case is to leave the relationship. Find and surround yourself with plenty of support. You deserve that freedom.
💜
If you have any questions or thoughts that came up when reading this, please let me know. I’m happy to support you in developing healthier boundaries in your life.
And consider joining other like-minded women who are prioritizing their authenticity, self-care, and growth just like you! Check out WE Connect Inner Circle to learn more about all this special online women’s group and community has to offer.